I can't believe I did that!

This past week my sonship study sent me spelunking, crawling deeper into the dark caverns of my heart and I have to say I don't like what the head lamp reveals.  As I've already shared my heart is full of self-dependency and self-righteousness.  When I am faced with something I can't do or don't want to do, I am learning to cry out to God. I feel relieved, excited even as God rescues me and I briefly draw close.  Then pride creeps me in as I feel satisfied at the insight I have gained into myself.  But insight is not repentance. My self righteousness flares as I say to myself, "I can't believe I did that again" and I make resolutions.  But this reveals a darker heart attitude, and how alienated I really am from God, to think that I could actually not sin.  An article I read by Nancy Leigh DeMoss puts it this way, "Our hearts are an underground network of caves, all interconnected, and all full of sin.  As light shines in, it reveals a cave together with passageways to ten more.  Travel into another cave and we find more passageways." Making resolutions to do better is futile.  So instead of blundering around in the the cave of my heart.  I need to say instead, "I did do that... I can believe I am like that! Lord, forgive me you are my only hope."

So, I've had to repent about my repenting... pretty pitiful huh?  So what is true repentance? First of all seeing the grossness of my sin, and truly feeling grief and brokenness over it.  Hating it because it hurts God.  By this sin I dis God.  Then coming face to face with God in my disheveled messy state, knowing he desires to break the cycles of sin in my life.  Then clinging to the undeserved grace that I have and receiving quietness because of the pure, perfect heart of righteousness from Christ. With caves not full of darkness but treasure and riches from the Father.