I did it! All by myself

This week I have grieved my independence. At times I have viewed this part of my personality as a virtue but this week I have seen it as the vice that it can be. I see how it saddens God, even robs Him and myself of joy in our relationship.

As a kid I remember my dad taking me down to the school parking lot with my first two wheeled bike. It was a glorious pink and white beauty, now training wheelless. My dad held the bike steady as I climbed on. My legs were just long enough to make the rotation of the pedals. This was a bike to grow into, and I was feeling very grown up. He gave me a good push. Hands gripped tightly to the handle bars, the words, "Lean into the fall, lean into the fall" cycled through my mind as my feet pressed against the pedals, muscles contracting, and... I was doing it! Oh what joy... I was riding my bike all by myself. This feeling became one I would love and cling to for years to come in many more circumstances. There was one sad thing... I didn't need my dad to go with me anymore.

This week I have seen this desire of my heart with different eyes. And I have felt sorrow at my many lone bike rides down the road of life. This weekend God sent me down a hill and his ordained forces of physics sent me racing out of control. I longed for my father's steadying hand, but I wasn't sure where he was. I thought I had left him back in the parking lot. So I closed my eyes and anticipated a painful crash. Imagine my surprise that despite my efforts to remain independent my loving father was there and instead of crashing into asphalt I slammed into his arms, and found myself sobbing into his chest. I heard him rejoicing over me with familiar words, "Anna, I did it all by MYself. I will always be here to catch you, in fact I pushed you down the hill so that I could chase you down. I so want to love you. Rest, rest here against me."

Another phrase I recall my dad saying in the bike riding lesson, "You know how to fall" To which the correct response was to stick out my legs release the handlebars and and let the bike crash to the ground without me on it. Falling is inevitable, my heavenly Father says the same thing... he is showing me how to fall straight into his arms.