I did it! All by myself

This week I have grieved my independence. At times I have viewed this part of my personality as a virtue but this week I have seen it as the vice that it can be. I see how it saddens God, even robs Him and myself of joy in our relationship.

As a kid I remember my dad taking me down to the school parking lot with my first two wheeled bike. It was a glorious pink and white beauty, now training wheelless. My dad held the bike steady as I climbed on. My legs were just long enough to make the rotation of the pedals. This was a bike to grow into, and I was feeling very grown up. He gave me a good push. Hands gripped tightly to the handle bars, the words, "Lean into the fall, lean into the fall" cycled through my mind as my feet pressed against the pedals, muscles contracting, and... I was doing it! Oh what joy... I was riding my bike all by myself. This feeling became one I would love and cling to for years to come in many more circumstances. There was one sad thing... I didn't need my dad to go with me anymore.

This week I have seen this desire of my heart with different eyes. And I have felt sorrow at my many lone bike rides down the road of life. This weekend God sent me down a hill and his ordained forces of physics sent me racing out of control. I longed for my father's steadying hand, but I wasn't sure where he was. I thought I had left him back in the parking lot. So I closed my eyes and anticipated a painful crash. Imagine my surprise that despite my efforts to remain independent my loving father was there and instead of crashing into asphalt I slammed into his arms, and found myself sobbing into his chest. I heard him rejoicing over me with familiar words, "Anna, I did it all by MYself. I will always be here to catch you, in fact I pushed you down the hill so that I could chase you down. I so want to love you. Rest, rest here against me."

Another phrase I recall my dad saying in the bike riding lesson, "You know how to fall" To which the correct response was to stick out my legs release the handlebars and and let the bike crash to the ground without me on it. Falling is inevitable, my heavenly Father says the same thing... he is showing me how to fall straight into his arms.

The Weak Hand

Currently I am at MTI (Missionary Training International) in Colorado, with plans to leave for Uganda by the end of October! Yesterday in one of my classes I had to draw a characterization of myself, portraying the current journey on which God has taken me... with my left hand. Being the perfectionist that I am I was not particularly thrilled by this task. My pitiful stick person self portrait had a large purple crayon stroke down the middle. One red curve of my mouth going up in a smile, excited about my soon departure to Africa, the other curving down as I am sad to part with family, friends, church, and job that I love so much. Somewhat reluctantly I shared with the others at my table what was depicted... as explanation was most definitely needed.

So what was the point? The immediate application is that when I arrive in Uganda I am going to be weak, helpless even, awkward and inept in my attempts at learning foreign culture. But with practice it will come more easily. Upon deeper pondering spiritual implications came to surface. God loves to give us all left handed tasks in which our attempts just aren't pretty. At this point it becomes less about us as we have nothing to take pride in. Really the only thing of worth is the story that we tell. As believers our lives are about telling the story of the gospel and letting it motivate us to love others. But so often we do this poorly. God in his goodness and graces still uses our feeble attempts and the story goes forth with Him, it's author, getting his rightful Glory!

You just know

Two of my best friends got married this summer. Beaming, I stood beside each of them as they cast their lot in with this person whose life God had collided with their own. Who doesn't love a good romance. I mean how many times have I read Pride and Prejudice? Love is something every human craves, not to mention the fun of getting dressed up, dancing, and eating cake that goes with weddings. I've always wondered how one knows they have found the one person with whom they want to spend the rest of their earthly days. Upon my queries I get a pretty standard response. Exhaling softly they say, "You just know." But I think we both know there is more to it than that. God has an amazing way of making the way plain. And we can be confident to take the next step because it is obvious that only God could have done such a thing.

Those that have known me for a while are aware of my love for travel. I have been in and out of relationships with this place and that. It has been a long time desire of my heart to live in Africa. This past year has been like a romance with Africa. My acquaintance with Uganda began last summer. When kids clamored with dirty hands grasping for mine, I was smitten. Since my return there have been mixed emotions, confusion over what I should do, a lot of waiting and praying, even the surreal feeling when World Harvest asked me to go to Bundibugyo, Uganda. In the back of my mind the question loomed... "Is this it?" These past few months assurance has filled my heart as God has called people to partner with me and funds have quickly come in despite the current climate of our economy. The road just keeps materializing as my foot nears the ground, step by step. And... I JUST KNOW this is what God has prepared me for and where He is leading me right now. So for the next two years I am casting my lot in with the people of Bundibugyo, hitching my wagon to the gospel and expecting the ride of my life!