Life in Bundibugyo has been a bit different these past few weeks. A bit more raw. I knew the honeymoon period was over when I came down with a fever and other flu symptoms that made me ever so thankful for indoor plumbing. The team is bare bones with the Clarks, Nathan and myself being the only ones. The comfort of running from one American home to another is not there. I don’t like being alone in my house and have felt lonely for the first time since arriving. I seem to be lacking purpose with the kids gone and no one to teach. Our school was broken into again revealing my accusatory heart. My hopes to focus on language have been thwarted with extended illness and I feel like my attempts are just not getting me anywhere. I have felt inadequate and overwhelmed as I face the new responsibilities of the scholarship program at Christ School. I am tempted to look at all of this and question why am I here? And be discouraged and wallow in self pity. Or I can see the mercy of God in placing me here at this time under these circumstances. What is going on is that the Holy Spirit has lit a fire in my hear, one that convicts and reveals sins of self-centeredness and drives me to seek Him.
The truth is that because I am self-centered, I have a hard time loving people. But there is another truth that is mine for the claiming... Jesus loves being with me anyway. And my worth doesn’t come from work that I a doing. And he is always around when I am lonely.(we actually seem to have more quality time that way). He loves it when I come to him confessing my selfish reasons for wanting to learn Lubwisi. And he is there to give grace to faithfully struggle with a language that is so hard for me. Jesus was already perfect for me, so I don’t have to have it together or know what I am doing as I jump into the scholarship program at Christ School. And his grace abounds, forever faithful, forever forgiving, forever loving me and helping me to believe it!
I think it’s a special kind of mercy when God slows me down or stops me in my tracks, through illness or unsought solitude, and begins to show me how faint or illusory are my control of events, my abilities, my “goodness,” my love for Him. What a merciful God He is to tolerate such as we are. And once He shows us how weak and unworthy we are, it may be that the time of really fruitful service is not far off. (Luke 17:10; 2 Corinthians 12:10)
ReplyDeleteHarry K