Kids, cookies, and cards

The other day I was in the middle of making some cookies. It never fails that whenever I am in the middle of something there is a knock at the door. This time it was some neighbor kids with requests of “ompe massi” and “ompe cards”... give me water, give me cards. It is a constant battle for me to have a gracious heart, but today it was hard to resist their smiling white teeth (or lack there of) and mischievous dark eyes. Kiemanual always tries to hide behind the door and jump out and scare me. So I obliged with the water and gave them the cards, but told them I was cooking and couldn’t come out and play right now. As I was inside baking away I could hear them outside talking and laughing with each other singing even as they played. Wonderful sounds really. And my heart went out to them. Behind their demands for water and whatever is a desire for love, acceptance not unlike my own. I just seek it in different ways. I decided to bring out some of the warm cookies and play a round or two of cards. Africa is slowly teaching me to lay aside some of my task orientedness. God is showing me how to love others more than myself and also showing me that it actually will bring me more joy if I rely on Him and do it. My heart was full today when Kiemanual came and took my hand today at church. God still has a lot of work to do on my selfish heart but he has promised to not give up on me.

The Honeymoon is over

Life in Bundibugyo has been a bit different these past few weeks. A bit more raw. I knew the honeymoon period was over when I came down with a fever and other flu symptoms that made me ever so thankful for indoor plumbing. The team is bare bones with the Clarks, Nathan and myself being the only ones. The comfort of running from one American home to another is not there. I don’t like being alone in my house and have felt lonely for the first time since arriving. I seem to be lacking purpose with the kids gone and no one to teach. Our school was broken into again revealing my accusatory heart. My hopes to focus on language have been thwarted with extended illness and I feel like my attempts are just not getting me anywhere. I have felt inadequate and overwhelmed as I face the new responsibilities of the scholarship program at Christ School. I am tempted to look at all of this and question why am I here? And be discouraged and wallow in self pity. Or I can see the mercy of God in placing me here at this time under these circumstances. What is going on is that the Holy Spirit has lit a fire in my hear, one that convicts and reveals sins of self-centeredness and drives me to seek Him.

The truth is that because I am self-centered, I have a hard time loving people. But there is another truth that is mine for the claiming... Jesus loves being with me anyway. And my worth doesn’t come from work that I a doing. And he is always around when I am lonely.(we actually seem to have more quality time that way). He loves it when I come to him confessing my selfish reasons for wanting to learn Lubwisi. And he is there to give grace to faithfully struggle with a language that is so hard for me. Jesus was already perfect for me, so I don’t have to have it together or know what I am doing as I jump into the scholarship program at Christ School. And his grace abounds, forever faithful, forever forgiving, forever loving me and helping me to believe it!